Guilt: Minding the Gap
By
Dr. Christina Grant
Guilt has been utilized for centuries to get the masses to cooperate. On
a more personal level, mothers, fathers, teachers, children, clergy,
friends, employers, and partners use the powerful tool to control one
another. But guilt forces people to depart from their true, authentic
natures and adopt a falsehood. If you participate in this inauthentic
way of being, it likely eats away at your healthy sense of self - a
constant reminder of your being “less than.” You’ve done something
wrong. You are not ok.
In order to assuage the discomfort of the feelings that go along
with having misbehaved or displeased someone, including God, what people
typically do is change their behavior in order to regain approval. This
change is usually a mask, an act of sorts, designed to make you appear
to be more acceptable by whoever or whatever it was that originally
placed judgment on you.
Sometimes these masks and acts (which I see as inauthentic ways
of being) are donned at a very early age. I am reminded of a time in
kindergarten when I casually tossed my uneaten sandwich into the girls’
bathroom trash. The teacher saw it, discovered it was mine, and
proceeded to speak to me in such a way that I felt humiliation. To avoid
future episodes of being shamed by teachers, I quickly learned to be
more sneaky and secretive. I’d be sure to get rid of future kindergarten
grub in a way as to not draw attention to myself. I would simply appear
to abide by the rules, but would go on rejecting any lunch I deemed
unsuitable for my 5-year-old taste buds. As a result, I would do things
my way but feel guilty about it because I knew I was behaving falsely.
My appearance belied the truth.
This is a mild example, but in a basic way it shows how
inauthentic ways of behaving are linked to guilt. When someone comes to
me asking for assistance with feelings of guilt, I look for the gap
between what is true for the person and what is their “act.” When this
gap is bridged, guilt begins to fade away. Guilt is the gap between our
true selves and that which is false.
It can be humbling to face where we have been inauthentic. In the
example I gave about my sandwich episode, in order to feel no guilt I
could have owned up to a few things about myself.
1.
I
didn’t want to do what I was told. I had a defiant streak.
2.
I
wanted to “do lunch” my way.
3.
I
wanted to be seen by those in authority as “good” so I could avoid the
discomfort that goes along with humiliation, shame, and judgment.
4.
I
didn’t always fit the model of “good” even though I thought I should.
I did eventually own these truths about myself and realized they
were not the end of the world. I found I didn’t feel guilt anymore
(because these same four points related to many things in life, not just
the sandwich).
It’s a liberating process to free yourself from guilt. Facing the
truth of what is, of what is the truth about you, is like unlocking the
door of your own self-imposed prison. Then, learning that the truth is
what it is, that you behaved in ways that are deemed undesirable by the
standards you accepted for yourself, and that you felt ashamed of it,
this is what is truly freeing. It is a heavy burden to hide your
authenticity from others. When you begin to recognize your gap and your
own truth emerges you get to trade the old burden for something more
empowering: personal responsibility and integrity. Nowadays when I don’t
want to eat something for lunch I just say it. I’ve got a “picky”
reputation. My mother has a hard time with it. People sometimes roll
their eyes. I’m not easy to travel with. And that’s ok.
About
the Author:
Holistic healer and counselor Dr. Christina
Grant helps people gain balance, harmony, wisdom, and clarity in life.
She conducts sessions both by telephone and in-person. Contact her
through
www.christinagrant.com
or call
831-236-1171.
